dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
