The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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