it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
