Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
