Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
