Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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