i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize