I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
