remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
