He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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