College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
whose ass print is on the piano?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
