Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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