I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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