oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You ate ashes out of my bong
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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