I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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