the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
