My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
