Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
