How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
