man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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