can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We named our party play list daddy issues
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
