me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
