she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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