Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
