Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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