His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
