I hate all girls vehemently.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
