I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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