I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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