if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
