I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
