I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I pour the whiskey from now on
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
