I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
