I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
