my phone needs a breathalizer
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
