I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
