I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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