My room smells like vodka and shame
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
