Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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