I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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