mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
