He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
