Where are you?
In a non slutty way
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
