I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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