take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
