I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
