am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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