I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
