That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
