You're so nebulous sometimes
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
