I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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