The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
They took my balls.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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