i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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