I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
