I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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