Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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