I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
