so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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