So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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