then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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