Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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