i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
