Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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