And the cops told us we were all naked.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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