Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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