I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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